I meet weekly with a group of men, most of whom are young, in their 20s and 30s. One of them told me that he liked having an older guy (older guy? aahhhhh!) in the group because of the wisdom that I bring to the table. Wisdom?, I thought. I remember having far more wisdom when I was thirty years old. People used to tell me that I was wise for my age. Looking back, good results that came from my decisions, results that I then attributed to my wisdom, now just seem like dumb luck and/or the grace of God carrying me through this life. This week I commented to a group of older men (most of whom are actually older than me) that I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore. Almost in chorus the men chimed, “That’s wisdom!”
As a young man I was thoroughly infatuated with my vision for life. I was driven to achieve and to produce. I believed that my achievements would validate my life. I learned to be articulate and persuasive, to be passionate about my vision and to infect others with that passion. Yet I was egocentric. I tried to love people but my thoughts always came back to me. I tried to listen to people but my mind always drifted toward the things that I wanted to get done. As I’ve entered midlife, I’ve begun to grieve over these tendencies because I know that I’ve hurt a lot of people by being this way.
Today I’m just trying to learn to love. I feel like I understand for the first time what Paul meant when he said, “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (I Corinthians 13:1, NIV).
Perhaps the key to loving the person in front of you is letting go of the vision that is driving you. A friend recently told me that the way to love is to live in the present, not in the future. This is hard for someone who’s a Myers-Briggs “N” off the chart. Yet Jesus did say “do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6:34, NIV). I guess I’m just starting to get this one too.
I still have vision but I try to yield it to God every day. If the vision truly is from God, He will bring it to pass as I live today, just as He did with Joseph. Jesus’ yoke is easy. Obsessing over the future just makes it seem harder.
So what do older guys have to offer? Perhaps it is just more experiences to confirm what we must acknowledge from the very start. It’s all grace, man!
“As a young man I was thoroughly infatuated with my vision for life. I was driven to achieve and to produce. I believed that my achievements would validate my life. I learned to be articulate and persuasive, to be passionate about my vision and to infect others with that passion. Yet I was egocentric. I tried to love people but my thoughts always came back to me. I tried to listen to people but my mind always drifted toward the things that I wanted to get done.” – rarely are truer words spoken… luckily for “young” guys like me, we have the opportunity to be put in our place by those more wise. The question is, will we listen, or will we just get defensive and disregard?
In part 1 you so elegantly posed the real crux of the matter:
“The question is: how do you discern that value when your own coaching experience is limited?” – Hopefully by acknowledging that only true wisdom comes from One place and that my “coaching experience” is always going to be incredibly limited!
My wife always encourages me with these words…”be where you are”. I’ve always thought my obssession with the future, with my vision, was a strength. But as I hit those middle years, and feel the disappointmet of my lack of achievement, I resonate with your thoughts. Maybe I’m not where I could have been because I tried to “be” there before it was time. Maybe I”m where I’m supposed to be. (That’s not encouraging). Then again, maybe I’ll finally learn to “be where I am”. It’s not easy. I love the lyric, “this is your life…are you who you want to be?” (Switchfoot…I think). Maybe “being” is the key that unlocks the door of opportunity. Or…maybe being helps me see the opportunities I’m missing when I’m overly concerned with what I’m doing. And most of those opportunities involve loving somebody, don’t they? Maybe loving the people “where I am” is the key to the future I long for. Just a thought.
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